Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Yarn Man 1: The Case of the Yarn Nazis and the Terrified Hippies - Part 1

It was a day like any other in the Steel City. Mother’s baked apple pies and father’s went to work in their gray wool suit. You know a regular Normal Rockwell painting with a stagnate economic base and a tore up down town.

The citizens of da Burg were still basking in the glow of the Super Bowl even though not a single beer bellied over the hill Steelers fan had squat to do with it. While dusk approached the good little Burg Hippies and Knitting Grannies made their way to the Bee Hive for their weekly knitting meeting.

As the good boys and girls pulled out their yarn and needles the over bearing racket of techno music was shattered by a maniacal kackle. The front door was kicked open and a jack booted figure in a gray uniform stomped into the Hive.

“Great Caesar’s Ghost.” exclaimed a terrified little hippie having a Scooby Do flashback.

“It’s Gary Busey, the Yarn Nazi.” she squealed with her Boye needles trembling in her hand.

“Ha, I found you, you hippies. Sipping coffee, unwinding from your day jobs at Giant Eagle you make me sick.”

The gray clad Hollywood Icon reached into his rolling tote and pulled out a skein of cashmere yarn made in the retched sweat shops owned by Kathy Lee Gifford.

“You dead beat hippies knitting with your Red Heart on metal needles make me want to puke. I mean sicker than when my agent tells me I can’t get work for scale plus ten percent. Give me your entire pay check this yarn costs 80 dollars a skein. Do you know how hard Kathy Lee works getting 3 year olds to operate spinning wheels?”

“No I will not knit with it, and the first Lethal Weapon movie sucked most because of you, man.” defiantly stated the brave young hippie through the pot induced haze he lived in.

Bussey pulled out his bamboo size 50s and cracked the hippie across the knuckles.

“Dude, that’s not cool.”

“You try finding your motivation with Mel Gibson calling you a Jew Loving Panzy because you love knitting.” snarled Bussee holding the 50s over the hippy’s head.

“Sorry Dude, I had no idea. Just don’t hit me again, Dude” pleaded the hippy hiding his hands under the table in a defense mechanism he learned in Catholic School.

“Kahn, I will make you pay, Adolf” threatened Bussey halting after every word while using over exaggerated hand motions.

“The name is Bret, Dude”

“Adolf” bellowed Bussey.

“Bret, don’t talk back to him. He is switching into William Shatner mode. He is capable of anything” stated a wise Granny who had read about this horror in the back pages of Rebecca Magazine.

“Not William Shatner mode. Someone call Yarn Man, Dude” cried Bret with all the anguish his little girly voice could muster.

Across the continent a red phone blinked on a Plexiglas end table in a room full of inflatable furniture. Dressed in a black suit Michael Cain entered the room that looked over the beach in Malibu.

“I won and Oscar and I’m playing the bloody butler in this crappy short story. I’m going to throttle my agent when I get back to London.” murmured Caine in a powerful Shakespearan oration that deserves at least a People Choice Award.

“No use kissing up now. You and the rest of your Yank friends can bugger off” grumped the foul mouthed Brit who was still pissed they lost the Revolutionary War.

“You were not the only theater we were fighting in you yober. And do you want me to answer the bleeding Bat Phone or Not?”

“It’s the Yarn Man Phone and yes answer it now.” replied the dashing narrator who lived in the world’s only super power.

“Bloody Yanks, just because you have more missiles than us you think it makes you special.” moaned Caine as he picked up the phone.

“Yarn Boy Headquarters, how may I help you?”

“It is Yarn Man” corrected the narrator.

“Do you honestly think anyone cares?” snapped Caine like Elton John letting into his personal pastry chef.

“Are you calling me a puff you colonial degenerate. Honestly, the things one does for scale plus 20 percent.” whined Caine getting back to the scene on answering the phone.

“Right, you say Gary Bussey is attacking a coffee shop in Pittsburgh. Yes Commissioner, I will get Yarn Man this instant.” forcefully stated the butler pushing an alarm button.

“I hope DC Comics sues you.” quipped Cained because of his deep seated inadequacies about not being American.

“And you wonder why no one likes America.” scratched back Caine like a Valley Girl at a Pravda sale.

As Caine simpered at the Bussey terror that had been unleashed our beaded scruffy hero bounded into the room bouncing off one of the inflated couches and landing near Caine.

“Master Arquette, the Yarn Nazis are attacking Pittsburgh.”

“Holy Home Spun.” snapped David as he jumped to his feet punching his fist into his hand.”

“To the Bat Cave!” exclaimed our dim witted Hero.

“It’s not the Bat Cave! You are Yarn Boy.” corrected Caine.

“Dude you just call me dimwitted?” asked Arquette who could also inexplicable hear the narrator.

“No that is the narrator, David. He thinks he is witty.” simpered Caine with a look of anguish as he knew he was no match for the Narrator’s snappy comeback.

“It’s your bloody story can I just get this dullard into his costume and get on with this drivel.”

The grand old lady of British stage and screen led out hero to a book shelf with every known issue of Tiger Beat.

“See if you get me back for another episode.” grumbled Caine as he pulled the bust of Alfred E. Newman to reveal a secret passage with a fire pole.

“To the Yarn Stash.” excitably stated Arquette jumping down the hole without holding onto the pole.

As he hit the bottom with a thud Caine rode the pole and followed him down.

The climate controlled cave had individually labeled air tight bins tucked neatly onto shelves. Caine stepped over Arquette as he walked over to an oversized Computer Terminal with a jumbotron for a screen. Hitting a couple buttons a rocket powered super sonic jet rose from a hatch in the floor.

Yarn man’s side kick Yarn Dog appeared from an elevator next to the fire pole. Yarn Dog sniffed Arquette as he staggered to his feet.

“How come the dog uses the elevator?” asked Yarn Man as he tied his aquamarine garter stitched mask around his head.

“I believe it is because he is smarter than you.” the elegantly attired golden retriever barked in agreement with Caine.

Mean while back in Pittsburgh Gary Bussey’s cohort had entered the Bee Hive. With a white Chef’s uniform and a soup ladle in hand the approached Bret.

“Didn’t your agent give you the uniform.” question Bussey.

“No he told me you wanted to do the Soup Nazi bit. And since there is no Seinfeld reunion in the works I was desperate.”

“What ever, just do your thing to that impudent little Hippy.”

“No soup for you.” stated the soup I mean Yarn Nazi menacing Bret. Bret gave a confused look at the rest of the group.

“It’s yarn, take his yarn.” screamed Bussey.

“OK, OK your lucky I needed the work.” shrugged the yarn Nazi.

“No yarn for you.” he threatened with his soup spoon and snatched the yarn from Bret.

“Noooooooo,” cried Bret with a primal terror.

Just as it appeared all was lost Yarn Man and his side kick Yarn Dog shoved open the doors to the Bee Hive.

“Unhand that Hippie’s yarn.” demanded Yarn Man.

The Yarn Nazi looked confused.

“You told me this was a bit for a birthday party.”

“You asked for it then.” In a single motion Yarn Man pulled off his pink garter stitched scarf and unfurled it to it’s full length of forty feet. Like Indiana Jones he whipped the yarn from the Yarn Nazi’s hand.

“Are you smoking crack. No one told me some dipstick would be whipping me.” at that the Yarn Nazi stomped out of the Bee Hive smacking Arquette with his spoon as he went.”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha HA” snicker Bussey.

“You have fallen into my trap Yarn Boy” stated Bussey smacking Bret with his needles again.

“It’s Yarn Man,” corrected Arquette whipping the size 50’s from Bussey’s hand.

“Unleash the cyborg.” roared Bussey with a fair amount of criminal glee in his voice.

Some where down Carson Street a thunderous crash could be heard, then another, then another.

The hippies and Yarn Man rushed into the street to see what it was. Had they been smart they would have run for cover. Still, it would not be as entertaining if they did.

The horror of the mechanical form could be seen towering two stories over Jack’s bar. The drunks fled in terror as the six story behemoth crashed first through the façade of the old drunk house.

“English style sucks” cried a thunderous voice from inside the creature’s helmet.

As if able to feel the presence of knitting hippies the leviathan turned to stare down Yarn Man and the hippes that cowered on the side walk infront of the Bee Hive.

As it turned the visor on the helmet opened to reveal the head of what could only be described as evil itself.

“You animal,” yelled Arquette looking into the still open doors of the Bee Hive.

“You reanimated Elisabeth Zimmerman and turned her into a killing machine.”

The Opinionated Cyborg of Knitting death slowly stomped toward them crushing cars as she went.

From a compartment in her torso compartment she pulled a 10 foot wide ball of yarn out.

“Eat expensive wool death” cried Zimmerman as she launched the wool ball of death at the group. It landed on Yarn Dog and Bret flinging them down the block.

Tune in next week to find out if Michael Caine really quits.

Is yarn Dog really dead or is it just a ploy to get you to read next weeks addition?

Find out next time on Yarn Man.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Yarn Man 1: The Case of the Yarn Nazis and the Terrified Hippies - Part 2

We join Yarn Man as he fights for his life and the lives of the Bee Hive knitting Hippies and Grannies. The six story tall Elisabeth Zimmerman Cyborg if destroying the South Side block by block. Her ultimate goal to rid the world of English style knitting was one step closer.

The evil Yarn Nazi Gary Busey stepped through the door of the Bee Hive to menace the scared Hippies. He gnashed his over sized teeth at Yarm Man as he waited for Zimmerman to finish her evil life’s work from beyond the grave.

Yarn Man reached down to his belt looking for a weapon to use against the evil automaton. Alas his belt was just a belt.

“What do you mean my belt is just a belt?” asked a confused Yarn Man.

“You are Yarn Man not Bat Man the utility belt is copy written by DC comics.”

“You can turn Elisabeth Zimmerman into a city destroying cyborg but you can’t give me a utility belt because of Copywrite law.” stated a frantic Yarn Man as the Cyborg approached kicking a car into Dee’s Café.

From behind yarn man a shaggy figure emerged from the pile of expensive yarn.

“Yarn Dog” giggled one of the little female hippies with glee.

The Golden Retrieve jogged over to take his place at his master’s side. Yard Dog looked to Zimmerman and then to Yarn Man and whimpered.

“I am not allowed to have a Utility Belt.” stated Yarn Man.

Yarn Dog snarled at the Zimmerman Droid. Sitting back on his hind legs he put up his paws as if he was going to take on the mammoth robot alone.

“I don’t think the Dog-Fu is going to work on that.” injected Yarn Man.

In a single motion Yarn Dog leapt into the air twisting like Bruce Lee as he roundhouse kicked Busey in his gigantor teeth. The evil Yarn Nazi crashed to the ground.

“Good work Yarn Dog. Too bad you can’t Karate shop that thing.”

Yarn Dog sat back on his hind legs again and tapped his collar. Two small arms extended from the collar and placed a set of Teflon coated robotic hands on Yarn Dogs paws.

“The dog gets a utility belt, that is messed up man.” cried Yarn Man.

“It is a utility dog collar” replied the debonair narrator.

Yarn Dog hopped over to one of the Knitting Grannies and took her knitting needles and project with his super dupper opposable thumb gloves, available in stores just in time for Christmas.

“Dude you’re the Narrator, are you selling stuff while my life is in peril?’ questioned Yarn man.

The Narrator ignored him knowing that his cut of the merchandising would pay for his own yarn habit.

With needles in hand Yarn Dog switch the yarn from his right to the left just as the Zimmerman was within a step of their position. Without explanation the metallic monster stopped in mid step.

“Good thinking Yarn Dog, she can’t kill anyone knitting Continental Style.”

The Zimmerman placed her foot down and leaned over to look at the knitting dog. The great mass of metal and knitting furry closed her helmet and looked to the sky.

Without a moment to spare her rocket pack activated and she flew into the sky above the city of Steel.

“That’s it” whined Bret who was still tangled in the Cody Spun.

“Your dog beat up Gary Busey and started knitting and we are all save. Man that was a gyp.”

“Hey I don’t write this, I am just the hero.” commented our girly hero vainly defending the fact that he was shown up by his smarter and better looking dog.
“Hey man that was not necessary.” simpered Arquette unable to deal with his own limitations. <>

So we leave our hero’s as they pick up the pieces in the steel city. Gary Busey would be put away in a federal Basket Weaving Asylum. There he could gnash his teeth at will making small handy crafts for minimum wage. <>

What would become of the Zimmerman Cyborg. Well no one really knows. It is been said that she is teaching knitting at a Joanne’s in Detroit. Still, no one really knows. Tune in next time to see what foe our Hero my face.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Yarn Man and the Jpop Army

In his home on the beach in Malibu, California mild manner David Arquette is working on his latest knitting project. David feverishly produced a long pink scarf for his new book “72 Pink Scarves Using the Garter Stitch”.

“Master Arquette, a crate has arrived for you.” stated a British accent from the corridor. Arquette gently placed his needles on the coffee table and bounded out of the room.

Standing next to a large wooden crate was his butler, played by Micheal Caine, and his wife Courtney. David took a pry bar from Caine and began to wrench the box open.

“May I ask what you are expecting from Jimmy Buffet? And does it have anything to do with the crate you go from Kurt Russel?” asked Caine who was afraid to ask.

“Kurt sent me a couple assault rifles. If Jimmy came through for me these are his special modified surface to air missiles. The Govonator is going to give me an Austrian Tank.” gleefully stated David feverishly opening his box of new toys.

“I though I told you there are no weapons in the house.” demanded Courtney.

“You can have them in your Top Secret Yarn Stash head quarters, but, not in the house.”

“I’m sorry baby. I can’t have things delivered to the secret underground caves.”

“Have you been trained in the use of these weapons?” asked Caine as Arquette pulled out a small missile.

“I went over to Kurt’s house last weekend and shot some Gophers with him and Bill Murray. We used hand grenades.”

“David, you told me you were golfing.” yelled Courtney punching him in the arm.

“Hey I made a bunch of holes.”

“Don’t let him blow up the house.” ordered Courtney as she walked away from the pair.

“Hey, you weren’t nearly killed by Elisabeth Zimmerman you don’t understand what evil is.”

“No Master Arquette, she only understands strange.” drolly stated Caine as he went about helping David take his weapons down to his secret lair.

Half way across the continent in Davenport, Iowa a group of knitting grannies were meeting in a tea house. The clacking of metal needles could be heard all over the small store front. The knitting world was still in shock over the attack in Pittsburgh by Gary Bussey and a six story tall Elisabeth Zimmerman Cyborg. They went about happily knitting their Christmas presents sure that something so horrific could not happen in their small Midwest town.

Down Kimberly Avenue on the bad side of town life was going on as usually in the wretched slums of Davenport. Drugs were being sold and hookers plied their trade. On the desolate main drag a pink bus adorned with Japanese Characters pulled up.

“Dang where did this whacked thing some from!” exclaimed one of the delinquents on the street.

A side door swung open and two small Japanese teens in pink jump suits stepped onto the street. The assembled miscreants begun to giggle and laugh at the teens.

“Where are your knitters?” they demanded, the locals only continued to laugh. The twins did not take kindly to laughter.The one on the left retrieved a remote control from her jump suit and hit a couple buttons. More doors on the bus opened and figures identical to the twins in metallic costumes stepped onto the streets rushing the small band of youths…….


On a rather large island in the Mississippi River stood the Rock Island Arsenal directly across from Davenport Iowa. The base’s commander Colonel Don Molson looked out over the mighty Mississippi to the smoldering city of Davenport. The island had already been locked down as reports of an armed militia in the city made the local news media.

The Mayor of Davenport had already called the colonel looking for support. He was helpless to do anything, He only has 250 military personal. The rest of his base was made up of civilians who operated the military production powerhouse. He had requested a squadron of fighters and contingent of attack helicopters from near by Scott Air Force Base.

“Sir, the Scott County SWAT Team has engaged the force along Kimberly Ave. They tore up a housing project demanding to know where the yarn is.” stated the Colonel’s assistant Lt. Gary as he rattled off the report from the local police.

“What kind of transport are they using?” asked the Colonel trying to get a clear picture of the situation.

“They are using heavily armored busses. They are decorated in bright colors and have Japanese symbols on them.”The Colonel decided that they were probably not a threat to the Arsenal. Still, why would they attack a Housing Project?

“Get my driver and a fully armed squad, I want to see this for myself.”

As the insurrection in Iowa continued we return to our Hero as he and Michael Caine installed machine guns on the Yarn Jet.

As they went about their work the jumbotron computer screen activated stating there was a priority message coming in. Yarn Man’s Butler played by Michael Caine stood up and walked over to a control council. Typing in a few characters he revealed a dignified Japanese gentleman sitting in a board room.

“How can we help you Mr. Chairman?” asked Caine recognizing him as the Chairman of Clover Needlecraft Incorporated.

“Yarn Man, we had a theft last night..”“

David Arqutte pulled himself out from under the jet. As any good superhero would he was in full costume while sitting around his secret lair. His pink jump suit clashed with the dark cave as he walked toward the large screen.

“What did they take?” he asked allowing his keen investigation technique take over.

“They stole a new motorized version of the Wonder Knitter. It is Titanium and capable of knitting 52 meters of icord a minute.”

“Wow that must be an incredible gadget.” stated Yarn Man in awe of the new device.

“Yes, it is most powerful knitting gadget we have created thus far. We are fearful what might happen if it falls into the wrong hands.”

“I will get right on it Mr. Chairman.”

“Thank you Yarn Man, you are our only hope.” at that the screen went blank.

As Yarn Man began to contemplate where the stolen item might be. Michael Caine began to search for clues on the internet

.“Perhaps the Auddi Turbo people stole it to catch up with their competition.” suggested Caine as his brilliant mind looked for possible solutions.

“At least the narration had improved in this story.” continued the brilliant British Actor.

“Yeah, but should the characters really be able to hear the narrator? question the slightly dull Yarn Man.

“Not cool, Dude.” simpered the girly Yarn Man.

“I find it is best if you do not argue with the narrator.” suggested Caine with another brilliant deduction

.“Well the Narrator does not hate you.” cried our super hero unsure of his masculinity.

“You see what I mean.” as Arquette simpered the alarm on the jumbotron went off again.

Caine looked over to the screen and hit the button to receive the massage. The screen flickered to life with the image of a police officer standing in a busy squad room.

“Yarn Man, I am Captain Leroy Roberts of the Davenport Police Department. We have a situation.”

“What is wrong Captain?” asked the pink clad hero.

“An army of Japanese Androids are attacking Davenport. They tore apart a housing project and tied up three street gangs with some sort of knitted rope our experts call icord.”

“I will be right there Captain.”As Yarn Man prepared to take off for Iowa Colonel Molson and his troops arrived near where the Android Army had first attacked.

The street had been torn up and the destruction centered around a record store. The Colonel walked toward the record store that was surrounded by debris and destroyed cars. Paramedics were cutting down the last of the gang members and victims. As he walked toward the record store he picked up something that first appeared to be rope. Upon closer inspection it was something knit out of wire.

Flanked by well armed troops he entered the destroyed shop. The store’s owner sat crying in his hands as and EMT tried to calm him down. Above the desk were the remnants of the wire used to tie him up.

“What happened here?” demanded the Colonel. The distraught store owner looked up

.“I don’t know man. These little Japanese girls came in here and started tearing up the Hip Hop Section. They used a flame thrower on the Country Music section and tied me up. They sang me a song and left those CDs.”

The Colonel picked up one of the CDs. It said it was from a group named Morning Musume. The Colonel couldn’t read Japanese, still, it was clear that it was a Japanese girl band.

“What could they possibly want?” He murmured to himself.


As Colonel Molson discussed the crime scene with a Davenport Police officer they heard a rumbling from overhead. Instinctively Molson looked toward a jet as it slowly descended vertically in a parking lot yards from where he was standing. He instantly recognized it as a modified Harrier Jump Jet. Instead of the Marine Corps marking he knew a bright aquamarine “YM” was painted across the jet’s pink tail fin.

“What in San Juan Hill is that?” grumped the Colonel as he stopped toward the jet.

As the Colonel made it to the curb the canopy on the jet slid open and man clad in pink with an aquamarine mask climbed down a ladder that flopped out from a hidden compartment.

As he reached the ground a golden retriever stuck her head out of the cock pit and looked down at her master. Yarn man extended his arm and Yarn dog jumped down to him. As Yarn Man placed his dog on the ground Colonel Molson was tapping him in the shoulder.

“What and the hell are you?”

“Yarn Man and this is my faithful side kick Yarn Dog.” stated Yarn Man with a broad smile extending his hand to the Colonel.

“Son what exactly is wrong with you?” asked Molson looking over his outfit.

“Dude, check with Homeland Security I am supposed to be here.”“This is the yarn expert?” asked the Colonel looking to the plain clothes detective from the Davenport Police department.

The detective nodded in the affirmative and Molson turned back to Yarn Man.

“What can you tell us about this?” asked the Colonel reluctantly.

At that Yarn dog ran across the side walk and over to a hunk of wire in the street. Yarn man quickly followed picking up the piece of wire when he got there.

“Your right Yarn Dog, this is made on the Titanium Wonder Knitter.”

“What is a wonder knitter?” Asked the Colonel as he followed Yarn Man

“It is a top secret knitting device stolen from the Clover Needlecraft Corporation. I was told there were some Morning Musume CDs left behind.”

“Yes the two leaders appear to be members of this group.” stated the colonel.

“It is a smoke screen.” stated Yarn Man.

“This is one involved smoke screen.”

“Yes, where is the Jpop army now?” asked Yarn Man looking at the billowing smoke from down the street.

“They are a mile down this road. They have set up a defensive position in a strip mall. They have thirty busses that have converged on that position. The local police appear to have them cornered.”

“Do you have transport?” asked Yarn Man.

The Colonel nodded and gestured over to a Humvee.

“And why does Homeland Security allow a loonie in pink out fit to fly around the country in a Harrier?”

“Because there are evil forces out there trying to take over the knitting world.”

“No offence son, but are you smoking something?” asked the Colonel as he got in the back of his Hummer.

“Were are the rest of your troops?” asked Yarn Man as he let Yarn Dog into the Hummer.

“I command the Rock Island Arsenal. I only have 250 troops. Besides it is illegal for the Armed Forces to operate within U.S. territory without a Presidential Order.” stated the Colonel as the Hummer began down the half destroyed street.

“You had better call the President and get that permission.”

Down the street what little bit there was of the Davenport Police Department was hiding behind what cover they could find. As the Colonel and his troops arrived the Iowa State Police were also just arriving on the scene.

The brightly colored armored bussed were lined up in a semi circular pattern in the parking lot of the strip mall. The strip mall itself completed the fortification. Yarn Man knew that this meant trouble. They were planning to stay whether the good people of Iowa wanted them to or not.

“Do you have a weapons son? Are you mentally stable enough to handle a weapon?”As the Colonel asked his question Yarn Man pulled a .357 Magnum from a concealed pouch in his utility belt. With a fair amount a trepidation the Colonel got out of the vehicle with his new buddy.

“Lock and load, Baby!” exclaimed Yarn Man as he jumped out of the Hummer. His side kick Yarn Dog only whimpered as she followed her slightly touched master.

“Hey I heard that Dude.” whined Yarn Man who had still not learned to not argue with the dashing narrator.

Colonel Molson and his pink clad compatriot made their way to the State Police Command post that was set back from the fort made of Busses.

“You can put that thing away until your need it.” stated Molson referring to Yarn Man’s .357 Magnum. “And what manic taught you how to use that thing?” asked the Colonel who was sure he was going to regret the answer.

“Jimmy Buffet and Kurt Russel all those Hollywood Types are packing heat. In this day and age you never know what kind of evil is lurking around the corner.”

“Like knitting Japanese music critics.” mutter Molson to himself as he pushed open to door on the large RV that functioned as the Police Command Post.

As the odd pair walked in everyone was crowded around a table at the far end of the trailer. A captain in the State Police turned to see Molson ad nodded for him to join them. Yarn Man’s pink jump suit gave him pause but he had already been warned about him.

“This is what we are fighting Colonel.” stated the Captain as the pair came up to the table.

Laying on the table was a headless little girl in a bright plastic metallic dress.

“They are some kind of Robot. Our small arms and even shot guns don’t work on them. This one got hit by a fire truck. It is the only one that we have managed to destroy.”

“They are Androids, they are much more advance than simple robots. You are going to need something heavy to take them out like 357 Magnus or BARs.” stated Yarn Man getting quite a few looks from the State Cop around the Table.

“Do you mean like Dirty Harry and really big guns from World War Two?” asked one of the cops around the table.

“The only way to put these things down is with a ton of hot lead.”

“And who are you?” asked the State Trooper Captain.

“I am Yarn Man. The only one with the expertise to handle this situation.” the captain let out a deep sigh.

“You are the expert from Homeland Security.”

“That’s right.” proudly stated Yarn Man. Yarn Dog whimpered knowing their credibility was circling the drain.

The Captain looked down at Yarn Dog sensing that he was the brains of the operation.

“And what is the purpose of this attack?” asked another trooper.

“Is there a yarn store in that shopping center?” asked our hero.

“Yes” stated Molson with a long sigh.

“She is trying to wipe out stores that refuse to sell her product.”

“They why did they attack a housing project, a trailer park and a music store?” asked one of the cops mistakenly looking for a strain of logic in this story.

“It was to throw us off.”

“Of course it is.” stated another disgruntled cop.

“Listen, we can stand around here and debate the situation or we can go in there and take them out.” emphatically stated Yarn Man.

”We have them penned up what can they possibly do?” asked another cop.

As if the cop had been tempting fate they could hear a rumbling from the make shift fortress of armored busses. They turned their attention to a window in the command center just in time to see a small rocket rumble up from inside of one of the busses. The rocket fleet over the mobile command center back down Kimberly Ave. where Yarn Man had just come from.

“Colonel, there is something wrong with the Android.” stated one of the troopers as they stepped back from the table.

The assembled cops and military personnel stepped away from the table as the skin melted off the android and began dripping off the table.

“It’s their self destruct.” gasped Yarn Man as he pulled his .357 out of it’s hidden holster and ran out of the command post.

At his heals was Yarn Dog with a bark as he raced toward the brightly colored busses. Next in the relay race was Colonel Molson who waved for his soldiers to join the maylay as they went. On the run her raised up his .357 and began firing at a satellite dish that was moving on the top of one of the busses. Noting his target Colonel Molson pointed to one of his troops and then to the target.

He Soldier leveled his missile launcher at the target and fired off a round that obliterated the dish in fury of fire. Yarn Man paused and lower his weapon and turned back to Colonel Molson.

“I bet Kurt Russel didn’t have one of those.” dryly stated Molson as he jogged up to Yarn Man.

That evening the captured knitters were saved and Yarn Man and his trusty Butler were on the Rock Island Arsenal waiting to return home. Colonel Moslon had asked them to stay for a while.

Molson returned to his office when his staff had put Caine and Yarn Man to wait for him. Caine was having a brandy and cigar, Yarn Man was having a diet Coke.

“Sorry to keep you both waiting.” stated Molson as he entered the room.

As Molson sat in his chair he noted that Yarn Man’s associate was wearing a plain black mask to hide his identity.

“So do all male knitter’s wear masks.”

“Wouldn’t you wear a mask if you were associated with him.” stated Caine just before he took a long drag on his cigar.

“Point taken, I am sorry to keep you. I received a message from the Secretary of Defense that he wanted to speak with us.” replied Molson as he reached into his humidor and pulled out a Cigar.

“The Secretary is on the line for you.” stated a disembodied voice over the intercom.

“Put him through.” replied Molson as he hit a button so the call would go over the speaker.

“Colonel, Yarn Man, I just got out of a meeting with the President where we discussed the situation out there. We were reviewing the plan you sent us Yarn Man.”

Colonel Molson gave Yarn Man a look to say Oh my God, he sent the President a plan. Caine just shrugged in response as if he wanted no part of it either.

“I am afraid that we cannot assassinate Kathy Lee Gifford. Other than that your plan is a good.” continued the Secretary of Defense.

A shudder of horror went through Molson’s spine as he realized the United States was giving this lunatic cart blanche.

“We have filled in all of our Missile Silos not in use so we cannot give you one of those for your base of operations. And Cheyenne Mountain is not being used by the Star Gate SG1 people anymore so it is available for you to use as your base of operations. Your Air Wings can use Paterson Air Force Base.”

“Thank you very much Mr. Secretary.” beamed Yarn Man with a stupid grin on his face. Both Caine and Molson rolled their eyes in unison.

“No, thank you Yarn Man. We are expecting a great deal from you and your team. If you don’t mind I have some top secret stuff that I have to discuss with Colonel Molson.” continued the Secretary

“No problem Mr. Secretary Dude.” stated Yarn Man as he jumped up and left the room with the masked Michael Caine following behind.

As the door closed behind them Molson told the Secretary of Defense that they had left.

“Don we have a situation here. These people are out there and no one in the Pentagon has any idea how to deal with them. This whacker is the only one that has any connections in the Yarn Underworld. I don’t know what to tell you. The President is willing to give him his bat cave and all the equipment and personnel he needs to solve this. We must not have any attacks on our soil.”

“I understand Mr. Secretary.”

“I reviewed you records and we think you should head up this new command.”

“Sir, I don’t know anything about this.”

“None of us know anything about any of this. Still, you have experience at commanding civilians and have done many joint operations with other nations. And the Whacker likes you.”

“Well as long as the guy in the pink jump suit is on board I am willing to go along with anything.” glibly retorted Molson.

“You’re the best officer for the job, Brigadier General Molson.”

“Thank you very much Mr. Secretary.”

And so the sun sets on another adventure with Yarn Man. And a new hope for protecting the free yarn world begins to form.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Yarn Man Adventures

I don't know if Yarn Man has any fans. Well if he does this is where I am going to post all of his adventures after they are posted on my blog. I might even edit them so that everything is spelled corretly.