In his home on the beach in Malibu, California mild manner David Arquette is working on his latest knitting project. David feverishly produced a long pink scarf for his new book “72 Pink Scarves Using the Garter Stitch”.
“Master Arquette, a crate has arrived for you.” stated a British accent from the corridor. Arquette gently placed his needles on the coffee table and bounded out of the room.
Standing next to a large wooden crate was his butler, played by Micheal Caine, and his wife Courtney. David took a pry bar from Caine and began to wrench the box open.
“May I ask what you are expecting from Jimmy Buffet? And does it have anything to do with the crate you go from Kurt Russel?” asked Caine who was afraid to ask.
“Kurt sent me a couple assault rifles. If Jimmy came through for me these are his special modified surface to air missiles. The Govonator is going to give me an Austrian Tank.” gleefully stated David feverishly opening his box of new toys.
“I though I told you there are no weapons in the house.” demanded Courtney.
“You can have them in your Top Secret Yarn Stash head quarters, but, not in the house.”
“I’m sorry baby. I can’t have things delivered to the secret underground caves.”
“Have you been trained in the use of these weapons?” asked Caine as Arquette pulled out a small missile.
“I went over to Kurt’s house last weekend and shot some Gophers with him and Bill Murray. We used hand grenades.”
“David, you told me you were golfing.” yelled Courtney punching him in the arm.
“Hey I made a bunch of holes.”
“Don’t let him blow up the house.” ordered Courtney as she walked away from the pair.
“Hey, you weren’t nearly killed by Elisabeth Zimmerman you don’t understand what evil is.”
“No Master Arquette, she only understands strange.” drolly stated Caine as he went about helping David take his weapons down to his secret lair.
Half way across the continent in Davenport, Iowa a group of knitting grannies were meeting in a tea house. The clacking of metal needles could be heard all over the small store front. The knitting world was still in shock over the attack in Pittsburgh by Gary Bussey and a six story tall Elisabeth Zimmerman Cyborg. They went about happily knitting their Christmas presents sure that something so horrific could not happen in their small Midwest town.
Down Kimberly Avenue on the bad side of town life was going on as usually in the wretched slums of Davenport. Drugs were being sold and hookers plied their trade. On the desolate main drag a pink bus adorned with Japanese Characters pulled up.
“Dang where did this whacked thing some from!” exclaimed one of the delinquents on the street.
A side door swung open and two small Japanese teens in pink jump suits stepped onto the street. The assembled miscreants begun to giggle and laugh at the teens.
“Where are your knitters?” they demanded, the locals only continued to laugh. The twins did not take kindly to laughter.The one on the left retrieved a remote control from her jump suit and hit a couple buttons. More doors on the bus opened and figures identical to the twins in metallic costumes stepped onto the streets rushing the small band of youths…….
On a rather large island in the Mississippi River stood the Rock Island Arsenal directly across from Davenport Iowa. The base’s commander Colonel Don Molson looked out over the mighty Mississippi to the smoldering city of Davenport. The island had already been locked down as reports of an armed militia in the city made the local news media.
The Mayor of Davenport had already called the colonel looking for support. He was helpless to do anything, He only has 250 military personal. The rest of his base was made up of civilians who operated the military production powerhouse. He had requested a squadron of fighters and contingent of attack helicopters from near by Scott Air Force Base.
“Sir, the Scott County SWAT Team has engaged the force along Kimberly Ave. They tore up a housing project demanding to know where the yarn is.” stated the Colonel’s assistant Lt. Gary as he rattled off the report from the local police.
“What kind of transport are they using?” asked the Colonel trying to get a clear picture of the situation.
“They are using heavily armored busses. They are decorated in bright colors and have Japanese symbols on them.”The Colonel decided that they were probably not a threat to the Arsenal. Still, why would they attack a Housing Project?
“Get my driver and a fully armed squad, I want to see this for myself.”
As the insurrection in Iowa continued we return to our Hero as he and Michael Caine installed machine guns on the Yarn Jet.
As they went about their work the jumbotron computer screen activated stating there was a priority message coming in. Yarn Man’s Butler played by Michael Caine stood up and walked over to a control council. Typing in a few characters he revealed a dignified Japanese gentleman sitting in a board room.
“How can we help you Mr. Chairman?” asked Caine recognizing him as the Chairman of Clover Needlecraft Incorporated.
“Yarn Man, we had a theft last night..”“
David Arqutte pulled himself out from under the jet. As any good superhero would he was in full costume while sitting around his secret lair. His pink jump suit clashed with the dark cave as he walked toward the large screen.
“What did they take?” he asked allowing his keen investigation technique take over.
“They stole a new motorized version of the Wonder Knitter. It is Titanium and capable of knitting 52 meters of icord a minute.”
“Wow that must be an incredible gadget.” stated Yarn Man in awe of the new device.
“Yes, it is most powerful knitting gadget we have created thus far. We are fearful what might happen if it falls into the wrong hands.”
“I will get right on it Mr. Chairman.”
“Thank you Yarn Man, you are our only hope.” at that the screen went blank.
As Yarn Man began to contemplate where the stolen item might be. Michael Caine began to search for clues on the internet
.“Perhaps the Auddi Turbo people stole it to catch up with their competition.” suggested Caine as his brilliant mind looked for possible solutions.
“At least the narration had improved in this story.” continued the brilliant British Actor.
“Yeah, but should the characters really be able to hear the narrator? question the slightly dull Yarn Man.
“Not cool, Dude.” simpered the girly Yarn Man.
“I find it is best if you do not argue with the narrator.” suggested Caine with another brilliant deduction
.“Well the Narrator does not hate you.” cried our super hero unsure of his masculinity.
“You see what I mean.” as Arquette simpered the alarm on the jumbotron went off again.
Caine looked over to the screen and hit the button to receive the massage. The screen flickered to life with the image of a police officer standing in a busy squad room.
“Yarn Man, I am Captain Leroy Roberts of the Davenport Police Department. We have a situation.”
“What is wrong Captain?” asked the pink clad hero.
“An army of Japanese Androids are attacking Davenport. They tore apart a housing project and tied up three street gangs with some sort of knitted rope our experts call icord.”
“I will be right there Captain.”As Yarn Man prepared to take off for Iowa Colonel Molson and his troops arrived near where the Android Army had first attacked.
The street had been torn up and the destruction centered around a record store. The Colonel walked toward the record store that was surrounded by debris and destroyed cars. Paramedics were cutting down the last of the gang members and victims. As he walked toward the record store he picked up something that first appeared to be rope. Upon closer inspection it was something knit out of wire.
Flanked by well armed troops he entered the destroyed shop. The store’s owner sat crying in his hands as and EMT tried to calm him down. Above the desk were the remnants of the wire used to tie him up.
“What happened here?” demanded the Colonel. The distraught store owner looked up
.“I don’t know man. These little Japanese girls came in here and started tearing up the Hip Hop Section. They used a flame thrower on the Country Music section and tied me up. They sang me a song and left those CDs.”
The Colonel picked up one of the CDs. It said it was from a group named Morning Musume. The Colonel couldn’t read Japanese, still, it was clear that it was a Japanese girl band.
“What could they possibly want?” He murmured to himself.
As Colonel Molson discussed the crime scene with a Davenport Police officer they heard a rumbling from overhead. Instinctively Molson looked toward a jet as it slowly descended vertically in a parking lot yards from where he was standing. He instantly recognized it as a modified Harrier Jump Jet. Instead of the Marine Corps marking he knew a bright aquamarine “YM” was painted across the jet’s pink tail fin.
“What in San Juan Hill is that?” grumped the Colonel as he stopped toward the jet.
As the Colonel made it to the curb the canopy on the jet slid open and man clad in pink with an aquamarine mask climbed down a ladder that flopped out from a hidden compartment.
As he reached the ground a golden retriever stuck her head out of the cock pit and looked down at her master. Yarn man extended his arm and Yarn dog jumped down to him. As Yarn Man placed his dog on the ground Colonel Molson was tapping him in the shoulder.
“What and the hell are you?”
“Yarn Man and this is my faithful side kick Yarn Dog.” stated Yarn Man with a broad smile extending his hand to the Colonel.
“Son what exactly is wrong with you?” asked Molson looking over his outfit.
“Dude, check with Homeland Security I am supposed to be here.”“This is the yarn expert?” asked the Colonel looking to the plain clothes detective from the Davenport Police department.
The detective nodded in the affirmative and Molson turned back to Yarn Man.
“What can you tell us about this?” asked the Colonel reluctantly.
At that Yarn dog ran across the side walk and over to a hunk of wire in the street. Yarn man quickly followed picking up the piece of wire when he got there.
“Your right Yarn Dog, this is made on the Titanium Wonder Knitter.”
“What is a wonder knitter?” Asked the Colonel as he followed Yarn Man
“It is a top secret knitting device stolen from the Clover Needlecraft Corporation. I was told there were some Morning Musume CDs left behind.”
“Yes the two leaders appear to be members of this group.” stated the colonel.
“It is a smoke screen.” stated Yarn Man.
“This is one involved smoke screen.”
“Yes, where is the Jpop army now?” asked Yarn Man looking at the billowing smoke from down the street.
“They are a mile down this road. They have set up a defensive position in a strip mall. They have thirty busses that have converged on that position. The local police appear to have them cornered.”
“Do you have transport?” asked Yarn Man.
The Colonel nodded and gestured over to a Humvee.
“And why does Homeland Security allow a loonie in pink out fit to fly around the country in a Harrier?”
“Because there are evil forces out there trying to take over the knitting world.”
“No offence son, but are you smoking something?” asked the Colonel as he got in the back of his Hummer.
“Were are the rest of your troops?” asked Yarn Man as he let Yarn Dog into the Hummer.
“I command the Rock Island Arsenal. I only have 250 troops. Besides it is illegal for the Armed Forces to operate within U.S. territory without a Presidential Order.” stated the Colonel as the Hummer began down the half destroyed street.
“You had better call the President and get that permission.”
Down the street what little bit there was of the Davenport Police Department was hiding behind what cover they could find. As the Colonel and his troops arrived the Iowa State Police were also just arriving on the scene.
The brightly colored armored bussed were lined up in a semi circular pattern in the parking lot of the strip mall. The strip mall itself completed the fortification. Yarn Man knew that this meant trouble. They were planning to stay whether the good people of Iowa wanted them to or not.
“Do you have a weapons son? Are you mentally stable enough to handle a weapon?”As the Colonel asked his question Yarn Man pulled a .357 Magnum from a concealed pouch in his utility belt. With a fair amount a trepidation the Colonel got out of the vehicle with his new buddy.
“Lock and load, Baby!” exclaimed Yarn Man as he jumped out of the Hummer. His side kick Yarn Dog only whimpered as she followed her slightly touched master.
“Hey I heard that Dude.” whined Yarn Man who had still not learned to not argue with the dashing narrator.
Colonel Molson and his pink clad compatriot made their way to the State Police Command post that was set back from the fort made of Busses.
“You can put that thing away until your need it.” stated Molson referring to Yarn Man’s .357 Magnum. “And what manic taught you how to use that thing?” asked the Colonel who was sure he was going to regret the answer.
“Jimmy Buffet and Kurt Russel all those Hollywood Types are packing heat. In this day and age you never know what kind of evil is lurking around the corner.”
“Like knitting Japanese music critics.” mutter Molson to himself as he pushed open to door on the large RV that functioned as the Police Command Post.
As the odd pair walked in everyone was crowded around a table at the far end of the trailer. A captain in the State Police turned to see Molson ad nodded for him to join them. Yarn Man’s pink jump suit gave him pause but he had already been warned about him.
“This is what we are fighting Colonel.” stated the Captain as the pair came up to the table.
Laying on the table was a headless little girl in a bright plastic metallic dress.
“They are some kind of Robot. Our small arms and even shot guns don’t work on them. This one got hit by a fire truck. It is the only one that we have managed to destroy.”
“They are Androids, they are much more advance than simple robots. You are going to need something heavy to take them out like 357 Magnus or BARs.” stated Yarn Man getting quite a few looks from the State Cop around the Table.
“Do you mean like Dirty Harry and really big guns from World War Two?” asked one of the cops around the table.
“The only way to put these things down is with a ton of hot lead.”
“And who are you?” asked the State Trooper Captain.
“I am Yarn Man. The only one with the expertise to handle this situation.” the captain let out a deep sigh.
“You are the expert from Homeland Security.”
“That’s right.” proudly stated Yarn Man. Yarn Dog whimpered knowing their credibility was circling the drain.
The Captain looked down at Yarn Dog sensing that he was the brains of the operation.
“And what is the purpose of this attack?” asked another trooper.
“Is there a yarn store in that shopping center?” asked our hero.
“Yes” stated Molson with a long sigh.
“She is trying to wipe out stores that refuse to sell her product.”
“They why did they attack a housing project, a trailer park and a music store?” asked one of the cops mistakenly looking for a strain of logic in this story.
“It was to throw us off.”
“Of course it is.” stated another disgruntled cop.
“Listen, we can stand around here and debate the situation or we can go in there and take them out.” emphatically stated Yarn Man.
”We have them penned up what can they possibly do?” asked another cop.
As if the cop had been tempting fate they could hear a rumbling from the make shift fortress of armored busses. They turned their attention to a window in the command center just in time to see a small rocket rumble up from inside of one of the busses. The rocket fleet over the mobile command center back down Kimberly Ave. where Yarn Man had just come from.
“Colonel, there is something wrong with the Android.” stated one of the troopers as they stepped back from the table.
The assembled cops and military personnel stepped away from the table as the skin melted off the android and began dripping off the table.
“It’s their self destruct.” gasped Yarn Man as he pulled his .357 out of it’s hidden holster and ran out of the command post.
At his heals was Yarn Dog with a bark as he raced toward the brightly colored busses. Next in the relay race was Colonel Molson who waved for his soldiers to join the maylay as they went. On the run her raised up his .357 and began firing at a satellite dish that was moving on the top of one of the busses. Noting his target Colonel Molson pointed to one of his troops and then to the target.
He Soldier leveled his missile launcher at the target and fired off a round that obliterated the dish in fury of fire. Yarn Man paused and lower his weapon and turned back to Colonel Molson.
“I bet Kurt Russel didn’t have one of those.” dryly stated Molson as he jogged up to Yarn Man.
That evening the captured knitters were saved and Yarn Man and his trusty Butler were on the Rock Island Arsenal waiting to return home. Colonel Moslon had asked them to stay for a while.
Molson returned to his office when his staff had put Caine and Yarn Man to wait for him. Caine was having a brandy and cigar, Yarn Man was having a diet Coke.
“Sorry to keep you both waiting.” stated Molson as he entered the room.
As Molson sat in his chair he noted that Yarn Man’s associate was wearing a plain black mask to hide his identity.
“So do all male knitter’s wear masks.”
“Wouldn’t you wear a mask if you were associated with him.” stated Caine just before he took a long drag on his cigar.
“Point taken, I am sorry to keep you. I received a message from the Secretary of Defense that he wanted to speak with us.” replied Molson as he reached into his humidor and pulled out a Cigar.
“The Secretary is on the line for you.” stated a disembodied voice over the intercom.
“Put him through.” replied Molson as he hit a button so the call would go over the speaker.
“Colonel, Yarn Man, I just got out of a meeting with the President where we discussed the situation out there. We were reviewing the plan you sent us Yarn Man.”
Colonel Molson gave Yarn Man a look to say Oh my God, he sent the President a plan. Caine just shrugged in response as if he wanted no part of it either.
“I am afraid that we cannot assassinate Kathy Lee Gifford. Other than that your plan is a good.” continued the Secretary of Defense.
A shudder of horror went through Molson’s spine as he realized the United States was giving this lunatic cart blanche.
“We have filled in all of our Missile Silos not in use so we cannot give you one of those for your base of operations. And Cheyenne Mountain is not being used by the Star Gate SG1 people anymore so it is available for you to use as your base of operations. Your Air Wings can use Paterson Air Force Base.”
“Thank you very much Mr. Secretary.” beamed Yarn Man with a stupid grin on his face. Both Caine and Molson rolled their eyes in unison.
“No, thank you Yarn Man. We are expecting a great deal from you and your team. If you don’t mind I have some top secret stuff that I have to discuss with Colonel Molson.” continued the Secretary
“No problem Mr. Secretary Dude.” stated Yarn Man as he jumped up and left the room with the masked Michael Caine following behind.
As the door closed behind them Molson told the Secretary of Defense that they had left.
“Don we have a situation here. These people are out there and no one in the Pentagon has any idea how to deal with them. This whacker is the only one that has any connections in the Yarn Underworld. I don’t know what to tell you. The President is willing to give him his bat cave and all the equipment and personnel he needs to solve this. We must not have any attacks on our soil.”
“I understand Mr. Secretary.”
“I reviewed you records and we think you should head up this new command.”
“Sir, I don’t know anything about this.”
“None of us know anything about any of this. Still, you have experience at commanding civilians and have done many joint operations with other nations. And the Whacker likes you.”
“Well as long as the guy in the pink jump suit is on board I am willing to go along with anything.” glibly retorted Molson.
“You’re the best officer for the job, Brigadier General Molson.”
“Thank you very much Mr. Secretary.”
And so the sun sets on another adventure with Yarn Man. And a new hope for protecting the free yarn world begins to form.